What time is it?

Among the many smart alecky answers to "what time is it" common on playgrounds nationwide, the two best known are probably:

"Two hairs past the freckle," (said when looking at an invisible watch) and

"Half past a monkey's ass."

Of the two, there is more variation in the "monkey" version. The full version, depending on who you ask, is either:

Half past a monkey's ass
a quarter to his balls

or

Half past a monkey's ass
a quarter to his tail.

I'm on the side of the "balls" version being the "correct" version - it makes slightly more sense. Neither is exactly a SENSIBLE thing to say (this is, after all, the point), but I think that if you're half past a monkey's ass, I don't see how you can already be a quarter of the way to his tail - presumably you're half past that, too, unless I'm picturing this entirely the wrong way (as I probably am). And, anyway, if you've already said the word "ass," why clean up the last line?

My in-laws learned this in Ohio in the early 1960s, which is about the time that both "monkey" and "two hairs" started appearing in print. Most likely, they're a great deal older, though prior to that most folklorists would have declined to print the monkey version. I'd lay decent odds that "monkey" started to catch on in the military first, while "two hairs" could have begun life as a vaudeville joke, but I don't have a good source on that.

What smart alecky remarks did YOU know for "what time is it?"