Diarrhea Song and Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha: The Timeless Classics

"You sort of have to take your hate off to a kid who knows as many verses to 'Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha' as Harlan does." - Chrissie Woodward, I Put a Spell On You.

Many folklorists like to justify these rhymes and songs by saying what function they serve for kids - ie, helping them deal with new knowledge about sex, fears of death, relieving racial tension, or what have you. I suppose I could do the same here - all kids need to learn the various indications that they might have diarrhea. These popular songs help teach them what warning signs they should be aware of, whether they're riding in a chevy, sliding into first, or climbing up a ladder.

Here's a version of this classic charmer that I learned from the kid down the street around 1987:

Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
People think it's funny, but it's really dark and runny
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
People think it's gross, but I eat it on my toast
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh,
It's really diarrhea, but it's really fun to eat
Diarrrhea, uh, uh, Diarrrhea, uh, uh!


Minor variations have been recorded by folklorists around the country back to at least the mid 1960s. More often, it seems, the kids made "thhbbt" noises, rather than the "uh uhs" that I heard. The version Mike B. taught me in his basement over a game of Centipede (on a level when the enemies were the color of diarrhea) is the only one I've heard that includes the last line, which I suspect he was making up as he went along, but plenty of versions involve eating it on toast.

Probably even more popular are "The Diarrhea Song" and "Diarrhea Cha Cha Cha," which are different from "Diarrhea Uh Uh" mainly in that they have a more upbeat melody.

The basics:
When you sliding into first
with your pants about the burst
Diarrhea (optional: cha cha cha)
Diarrhea (optional: cha cha cha)


There are LOTS of verses to this. Just a few:

When you're riding in a Chevy
and you feel something heavy


When you're sliding into home
and your pants are full of foam


When you're sitting in the bath
and you feel something splash


ETC. Some ambitious kids helpfully divide them into subsets, ie, singing versions that are all about sliding into various bases, riding in different models of cars, sitting in different class rooms, etc.

33 comments:

  1. When you're swimming in the pool,
    and you feel something cool...


    Toronto (1980's)

    ReplyDelete
  2. If you have to go,
    just sit and let it flow ...

    Pekin, Illinois (1970s)

    ReplyDelete
  3. When you're walking up a ladder,
    and you hear something splatter...

    Houston, Texas (early 90's)

    ReplyDelete
  4. When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd

    ReplyDelete
  5. When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. never understood why you'd have a turd if it was diarrhea...

      Delete
  6. When ur sliding into third and you feel a juicy terd

    ReplyDelete
  7. no pain no strain just sit and let it drain

    ReplyDelete
  8. When your sitting on the john
    And all the toilet paper's gone
    Be a man, use your hand

    Also

    What makes the fart sound like thunder?
    (wet fart noise)
    Diarrhea, diarrhea

    Eastern Ontario, Early 1990s

    ReplyDelete
  9. A baseball themed one!

    When your up to bat the ball
    and your undies start to fall
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea

    When your running into first
    and you feel a juicy burst
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea

    When your rounding second base
    and your pants are full of paste
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea

    When your sliding in to home
    and your pants are full of foam
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot Third base...opps!

      When your sliding into third
      and you feel a juicy turd
      Diarrhea, Diarrhea

      Delete
  10. When your bowels are in a scare,
    because of ObamaCare,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  11. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  12. When you go to McDonald's,
    and order a Happy Meal,
    then get on the toilet
    and find out how it feels.
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    (Currently drunk and all three phrases just popped in my head, out of nowhere).

    ReplyDelete
  13. When you have one too many drinks,
    and something starts to stink,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  14. When the preppers are getting ready for martial law,
    then they witness the worse thing that they ever saw,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  15. When you have a wet fart,
    and that's just the start,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  16. When you're trying to deck the halls with boughs of holly,
    but you're bowels are screaming, "Good Golly Miss Molly,"
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  17. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  18. What you thought was the November to remember,
    that lasted well past December,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  19. While everybody else is wishing you a Merry Christmas
    and a Happy New Year,
    you're just sitting on the toilet in absolute fear,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  20. While everybody else are updating their status on facebook,
    you're experience on the toilet felt a lot longer than it took.
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  21. When you're drunk as hell,
    but can still detect that smell.
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  22. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  23. When Obama says that you can keep your plan,
    but 24 hours later, you're still on the can,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  24. When you lose 20 lbs.
    from long runny sounds,
    Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  25. When you're bowels are in a war,
    putting up a fight.
    It's time to say change your diet and squat when pooping (instead of using the toilet), google it and good night.
    no more Diarrhea, Diarrhea.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Central NJ, 1985/86
    These were the "baseball themed" verses i heard:

    when you're sliding into first
    and you feel that baby burst
    diarrhea, diarrhea
    when you're sliding into second
    and you've only got a second
    diarrhea, diarrhea
    when you're sliding into third
    and you feel a juicy turd
    diarrhea, diarrhea
    when you're sliding into home
    and your pants are full of foam
    diarrhea, diarrhea

    the diarrhea refrain was accompanied either by "cha-cha-cha" or two fart noises.

    ReplyDelete
  27. My brother thinks it's funny,
    But it's really thick and runny.
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    Some people think it's gross,
    But it's really good on toast.
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    Now I'm on a baseball team
    And my pants begin to steam.
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    Now I'm on my way to first
    And my pants begin to burst
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    Now I'm on my way to third
    And my pants begin to turd.
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    Now I'm on my way to home
    And my pants begin to foam.
    Diarrhea, ch, ch, Diarrhea, ch, ch

    (Des Moines, IA late 1970s)

    ReplyDelete
  28. When you're sitting in class
    and you feel something pass
    Diarrhea, cha-cha-cha

    ReplyDelete

PLEASE tell us where and when you heard your version (ie, "Chicago, early 1950s). And please be aware that the information may end up in a book sooner or later.